BREAKDOWN TO BREAKTHROUGH
Let's back-track to a month ago. I remember lying in bed concluding our ritual morning read, "The Little Joey Who Lost Her Bounce" but on this particular day, it struck a chord harder than ever before. It was a mirroring moment, when I felt as though I was reading about myself, the bounce was missing from this lass.
Do you ever just feel like you're at a crossroad, you don't know which way to turn. You see all the signs pointing one way, but for some reason you're at a red light that never turns green. Then you realise you're extremely low on gas and out of nowhere your engine turns off - you're at a standstill. I know, I should just stop and smell the roses right? But this was different, it wasn't quite like that...
Each week I make it a priority to have a self-love day, on this particular week it was a Wednesday and I did it a little differently. Parent or not, we all know that making time for ourselves is a must and when we start to neglect our own needs, it catches up on us and in most cases it's not in a positive light. A few weeks ago I experienced a whole new level of lowness. This wasn't a low as in feeling depressed, or thinking bad thoughts, it was more of an overwhelming sense of feeling stuck, being in a rut of some sort and one that I didn't know how to get myself out of. I felt misunderstood and I felt like no one could relate to what I was going through. I needed something in my life to change, a new direction of some sort, some new guidance - I had no idea how I was going to do this.
If you've followed me on Instagram for a few years now, we all know that I'm an over-sharer, and recently more often than not, it's been getting me into trouble. Apparently I like to talk about the things that no one likes to discuss, some very taboo topics have backfired (of course not my intention at all). But who would've thought that by being true and honest with yourself and with others, would have such a backlash, call me naive but I didn't think it would. I continue to remind myself that not everyone thinks the way that I do. Not everyone has the same beliefs, the same morals or the same values that I do. And once you learn to accept that, things do become a little easier on the heart. This is the fabric of the world, this is what makes us all so interesting, beautiful and unique in our own way, it's how we individualise our identity. I'm someone that if nothing has a direct impact on me or my life, I literally don't have a negative opinion nor judgement to save myself.
On my self-love Wednesday last month, I started my day by working-out with my trainer and finished the day with a hot pilates class (yep a double whammy) moving the body is literally my therapy. After my morning PT sweat sesh, we went out for brekky as a family. It was the midst of my day that took a shining for me, I met the most amazing woman I think I have ever crossed paths with. She is a Life Coach, Soul Coach, Holistic and Wellness Counsellor, Hypnotherapist and Psychic Medium. You know when you meet someone for the first time but you feel as though you've met in a past life and you already know who they are. Yes, this was another one of those deja-vu moments that pop-up throughout life. It was the most influential two hours I have had in a really long time, she pretty much stripped me bare of every emotion I'm accountable for and it was exactly what I needed. I basically sobbed for two hours straight but I tell you what, I feel bloody good for it now - I had clearly internalised many emotions that needed to be released.
It was nice to feel as though I had someone in my corner (apart from Darius of course), someone who understood me and could guide and give me direction with absolutely no judgement at all. She questioned me on everything, my past, my intentions and she made me realise that there were a lot of things I had to shift and refocus my energy on and adjust the energy within my life, to allow me to stay put on the right path. Overall the energy around me was positive and warm, and that's what I'm hungry for, more positivity and warmth in my life. I'll admit I have been feeling so worn down by people (complete strangers) and it's not a nice feeling at all.
I left the session feeling empowered, inspired, motivated and I loved myself just that little bit harder too - the most important thing of all.
The thing about putting yourself out there publicly to every tom, dick and harry is judgement. And unfortunately, I was caught at a weak moment and in turn I've been wearing peoples judgements and insecurities. I had internalised peoples back-handed comments, mean words and mean behavior which lead me to feel alone and stuck in a bit of a misery bubble. I didn't like this state at all, those kinds of emotions generally don't sit well with me, so I knew I needed to detox myself but where's the bloody manual on how we're supposed to do this? There isn't one!
So finding a Life Coach (and the right one) couldn't have come at a better point in time. I know there are people out there who'll think, if you don't want to deal with negativity then don't have a public Instagram and don't blog about the things that you do. Let's just look at the bigger picture here, I am a human being just like you, doing what I am passionate about, doing what I love, I'm not hurting anyone else in the process whilst doing that, all I am doing is sharing my own story. I really don't understand this whole "I'm offended business" when people feel that their opinions are valid. If I am being a direct C*&t to you then yes you should be offended. The real issue here is that people think it's okay to go online, sit behind a keyboard and publically troll others - that's the real issue here, it's not me blogging about my own life events.
After seeing my Life Coach it made me realise, that as much as I think I am coping with the cyber bullying and trolling side of things, asides from the thick skin that I do have, it really does still affect me at times, sometimes that one troll just gets the WIN. And that's why I felt so alone at this particular time, because no one could understand or relate to what I was going through. My confidence was crushed, I felt reluctant to continue to blog about anything (this is actually my first post since my last), I started questioning myself, we'd lost a couple of sponsorship deals, I felt as though all of the hard work that both Darius and I had done in the last four years - had been tarnished. By people (journalists that we trusted) who screwed us over to get their bread and butter and ratings for the week. Even now the heart is anxiously pumping as I'm writing this damn blog post because I don't want this one to turn viral for all the wrong reasons again.
I have been judged on levels that most people don't ever have to experience in their life-time. I have been called a horrible, disgraceful mother, an alcoholic because I'm seen with a glass of wine in my hand. My daughter deserves a mother who loves her more than she loves herself, people have called my daughter obese, I've been called fat, told I'm a plus size model, received racist comments about being an islander, to piss off back to my own country and these are just to name a few (not even half of it). Following the most recent negative media spin last month, I came across a comment on Facebook that someone wrote saying "Darius and Kayla should go and kill themselves and put the baby into the system". THIS IS THE WORST COMMENT I HAVE EVER READ IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, this reached a next-level point of absolutely "not okay" for me, for a complete stranger to wish death upon us is unfathomable. How is this actually okay? How is this type of narcissistic behavior applauded and tolerated online? I've been called a gold-digging slut, an attention seeking whore, apparently I am so desperate for fame, and people think I got paid to do that Channel 9 interview. Well I hate to break it to you peeps, but I didn't get paid a cent for it, I bloody wish I did after all of the BS they put me and my family through but I got nothing from it apart from backlash.
I'm not writing this post so we can have a pity party together, I'm just being real. I think it's important for me to share not only my highs but the lows too, the message I want to get across with this blog post is that we all have our down days, and life gets a tad overwhelming sometimes. All it takes is for something to tip us over the edge for a bit of a breakdown to happen and for me the edited Channel 9 story did that to me. I recognised something wasn't right and I did something about it. This girl got her bounce back! Yah!
There is so much more substance to me than the selfies, the glam-squad posts, photo-shoots and what may come across to you as a glamorous life that you see on Instagram. And I'm excited to show you more of that substance and give you more of an insight in the coming months, along with some very exciting public speaking events coming up throughout the year.
I know I'm not the only one going through this and this should be a topic of discussion, it shouldn't be added to the taboo list. More people should talk about it and I think it's about time people started to initiate a stand. I've had one girl troll me for almost five years now, she thinks we don't know it's her but we do. We went to the police years ago and that didn't do much, so we are working with a Private Investigator to finalise the matter and get her charged. This type of behavior is a crime and people need to be held accountable for their actions.
There are children being bullied in school and trolled online and they are taking their lives because of it. Because they feel as though they can't talk to anyone about what's going on. It's my aim this year to create further awareness around cyber bullying and bullying in general, I am in full support of this incredible initiative I CAN I WILL an anti-bullying organisation.
Did you know that 450 kids committed suicide in the last year with another 4000 attempts. 80% of this due to bullying (within Australia).
Raising light on this topic also takes me back to the late Charlotte Dawson who ended her life back in 2012 due to death threats and online bullying (below are some statements Charlotte made from an article via Google).
Dawson outspoken about cyberbullying
- In 2012 Dawson, who had more than 53,000 followers on Twitter, re-tweeted messages directed at her from abusers in order to expose their behaviour.
- "If you're going to express those points of view, you should do it with a face and a name so that you can be accountable," Dawson said.
- "It's the anonymity they celebrate because they think there are no consequences."
- Ms Carnell is urging those who suffer online bullying not to suffer in silence but report abuse and to talk about their suffering.
- "The important thing to do is speak up about it," she said.
- "People think 'I should be able to manage this by myself' but bullying needs to be reported. Tell someone.
- "Report it to [the social media website], talk to a friend.
- "If bullying continues, it's important to report it to the police."
So this is the thing, when you start writing sometimes you don't really know where you're going with it but when it's from the heart, the story just flows naturally. I hope the message has been projected across the way I had hoped and if anyone out there is experiencing anything similar, you're not alone, please remember you're never alone and there many way's you can get the support you need.
IT AIN'T WEAK TO SPEAK!