So last past week I have been having babymares! Those sleepless nights where all of the typical hormonal emotions come over you... that damn stupid F word "fear" And then the questioning starts to hit... "Am I going to be a good mother?"
I think it hasn't really hit me till now that wow... I am actually going to be a Mama! I am going to be responsible for another wee humans little life for the rest of my life. I started going through a series of questions in my head like, what kind of mother am I going to be?... More importantly what kind of mother do I want to be?
Am I too far in over my head? What am I even doing? How am I going to know what to do? And so on and so on! One thing I have steered extremely clear from during my pregnancy are those Mummy forums and Parenting pages. I am sure they can be very informative and helpful in certain situations but those pages just gave me anxiety, all of these things that people were going through or talking about that I may never have to endure; so why fret and stress about it till or if it ever happens? I felt like it was a judgmental platform, even though many would reinforce "we don't judge on here". I don't want to have to justify my reasons and my choices in my pregnancy and in the way I am going to choose to raise my daughter because at the end of the day they are our choices noone elses. Just because something works well for one sure as hell doesn't mean it will work for another.
We learn from our own upbringing, from the way our parents raised us. Some things we don't necessarily have to agree with, but at least it's something to go by as a guide as in; this is what I do want or do not want for my children. For me, my parents split when I was three years old. I grew up in a broken family, not your typical loving Mother and Father family home but I was fortunate to have an amazing step-father in my life from five years of age that allowed me to have a normalised family situation.
When you're about to have a child it's the opportunity for you to be the parent that you didn't have, or become the parent in the way that you would have wanted yours to have been. We let two things define us, what happens to us and how we react to what happens to us.
For me having my parents split from a young age, I knew that I never ever wanted to have children or a failed marriage. In saying that, I wouldn't stick around and hang on to a marriage that I wasn't happy in nor wasn't good for my children or myself.
For my husband, not knowing who his Father is still to this day, is something that he struggles with. Becoming a Dad himself he now has the opportunity to be the best example of a father to our little girl. To be that father that he never had and to be the father that he wished he had.