I know it's been a while since I wrote my last blog post, I'll admit I have been finding it quite hard to get into the zone. I've been feeling like an absolute slack-ass as of late, it must be those transitioning and adjusting feels through these different stages that having a child offers but why is it that all I have been feeling lately is guilt, guilt guilt?!

Guilty for not blogging enough, guilty for feeling like I am not giving Willow enough attention, feeling guilty for not being more present with my hubby, feeling guilty for not training enough, feeling guilty for not being more productive and proactive with my career, guilty for not seeing family and friends enough.

Last week I was in tears, I spoke to the hubby about all of these overwhelming feelings and he put things into perspective and asked me this... "what's one thing that isn't going good for you right now, what's one thing you are unhappy about...?" and I actually couldn't say one thing! #realitycheck


I'm a first time mum as many of you reading this are and from day dot I have had no expectations of how this whole mum thing goes - I'm literally just winging it day by day. Every day there is something that I will make myself feel guilty about regarding motherhood, and I hate that! I should have given Willow this, I should have tried that today, I didn't take her for a walk today, did I play with her long enough, I didn't take her to the park, I forgot to give her solids at lunchtime, did she watch TV for too long, did I give her enough one on one time and so forth. Life is busy, and I am sorry that I don't continuously snapchat or post photos of my meal preps for her, or document every outing that we have with her. I do try my best but sometimes there is more to life than documenting every single moment we share with her and every single milestone that she has, oh but don't think less of me as a mother for it. Rain check... your child's milestones do not determine your ability and level as a parent!

I'm lucky that my passions work in with social media and I am able to make a buck doing what I genuinely enjoy. It's flexible so I am able to work my instagram, my blog and my column to suit my weekly schedule. Therefore, I am able to juggle both motherhood and my career - so I should be on cloud 9, happy and loving life more than ever right? I am not going to swallow my pride and succumb to biting off more than I can chew, because if you didn't already know, us mamas can do it all can't we? Ummm well apparently not (in the eyes of some mothers that is). My soul honestly shatters with the perception that if you're a mum as well as pursuing your career - you're not giving your child enough attention or being the best mother you can be.

Well I am here to speak only for myself and I'm sorry but it's all about fucking balance ladies and I shit you not - I am better for it!!! I am a better mother, a better wife and a better person to be around when I have balance in my life! When I train, I am a happier person to be around, when I get fulfillment in kicking professional goals and motherhood goals - I am a better person to be around. At the end of the day, Willow comes first and foremost so to question my capability as a mother, well you can go and flush your opinion down the toilet because it F*&$ing stinks.

When Willow and I went back to New Zealand in February, a little birdie told me there was a rumour going around that I had a full-time nanny. This nanny must of had some serious invisible super powers because ahhh I never saw her around, and I hate to break it to ya but I don't have a nanny and even if I did what's it to ya anyway... stop being a dickhead Susan. This is where it all comes back to people trying to mummy shame and knock people back and I am sick and tired of it. Does it honestly seem like a bloody miracle that I am 100% capable of raising a child, that I am a bloody good mother whilst maintaining a bit of independence of my own.

Here I am 8 and half months deep into motherhood, already feeling guilty about my every day life and for no apparent reason that is. And that's just what people don't get, we are all struggling and dealing with our own minds on a daily basis, the daily grind is hard enough at times so just keep your shitty thoughts to yourself. If it ain't positive it ain't worth leaving the mouth!

I guess at the end of the day this blog post is about making you feel at ease, accept and be content in your own situation. You are doing the right thing for you. If you are a stay at home mum raising your children full-time that's incredible and you should own it! If you are a part-time or a full-time working mama that's also incredible and you should own it! I'm sick of feeling like we all need to justify our actions these days, if it makes you and your family happy that is all that matters! I am sick and tired of being compared to other mums and I am definitely over my baby girl being compared to other babies, don't think less of me as a parent because my daughter won't eat anything that isn't pureed to perfection and to be frank I'm over trying to give her food that she clearly doesn't want to eat - lets just all share the love instead of sharing the judgement.

It's okay to have no direction, it's okay to just flow through life because I think you need a little reminder that you are killing it at life right now. You are successfully raising your babe/s which is the biggest, busiest most important role of a job and career going round. Always trust that things will happen when they're meant to.

Parenthood provides us with many moments that serve us with emotional challenge and difficulty and the main thing that I have changed to help me get through some dark days is remove myself from certain situations and the people that are involved in them. Take a damn good look around you and your circle, if you ever leave a catch-up questioning yourself or feeling shitty about something then wake up girlfriend that ain't no genuine leather.

Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy.

So in light of this rant, don't feel guilty for anything! Once you change your environment and the heartbeats that fill it you'll be amazed at just how your train of thought changes. If you've laughed with your family today then your job is done, you've already won the day over and out. Be gentle and be kind to your soul - you are incredible!

KB xx